i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
