if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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