my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
