the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Enjoy the penises
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
