hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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