making cat noises will not fix the situation.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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