I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Welp...herpes.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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