Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
