the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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