I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
