piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
