At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
