My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
