alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
You ruined the universe
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
