just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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