Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
