she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
