did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
