I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
