My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize