It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
