Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I don't deserve a penis
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
i believe in u and ur pee
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize