Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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