____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Randomize
