How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Every concussion has its silver lining
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
