I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
did i walk over a car last night?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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