The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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