The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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