you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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