If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
