There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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