Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Randomize
