I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
