Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
