he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
