So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
