pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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