I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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