I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Michael Bay diarrhea
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
