I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize