Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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