go do what you do best...puke behind churches
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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