I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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