I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
