My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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