God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
