if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
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