My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Randomize
