It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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