Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize