i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
