Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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