By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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