you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
