yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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