Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
