I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
