Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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