You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
